Many years ago I read one of cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead’s books (I think
it was Blackberry Winter) and found
myself amused by her comments on marriage. She thought women should marry three
times in their lives—as Mead herself did—the first time for the innocence and passion of
young love, the second for a home and stable family life, and the last for having the
right person to grow old with. Being young and idealistic at the time myself, I
thought her advice was extremely calculating. Now that I am elderly, I understand
her wisdom. Though I did not intend to follow in her steps, my life has turned
out much as she suggested.
When I was only twenty-one I married my first husband, who had been my college
sweetheart and seemed like an ideal marriage prospect. We had a lovely wedding
in the college chapel that seemed like the prelude to a long, happy married
life. Seven years later we were divorced. Neither of us had been mature enough
for the responsibilities of marriage.
In my early thirties I married again, with a more realistic view
of what the future might hold. At first we argued often—our personalities
were very different—and we even separated for a while, but gradually we
achieved a good, stable marriage. Though we were unable to have children, we
always had a much-loved Scottish terrier, and usually a cat as well. Over the years we
grew closer and closer as we shared happy and sad times. When he became
extremely ill with diabetes and heart disease, I was happy to be his caregiver.
He died after only thirty-two years, and I grieved for a long time.
Now, in the autumn of my own life, I have had the great
fortune of finding the ideal man to grow older with. We would not have
appreciated each other at all years ago, partly because I am nine years older
than he is. He was a free spirit of the sixties, and at that time I was a very
serious textbook editor. We had little in common then. Today, he is the perfect
companion--a retired science teacher who is as passionate about the environment
as I am, and who also enjoys travel and reading. We both have some health
problems, and help each other cope with them. Though we have everything we
need, our lifestyle is simple and frugal. Departing a bit from Mead’s plan,
we have not married for insurance reasons.
So, in retrospect I have to admit Mead had the right idea.
In an ideal world, a couple might go through her three stages together, but longer
life spans, divorces, and deaths make that impossible for many of us. In our
messy real world, a woman is very lucky if she can find the right three men at
the right times!
