The poet A.E.Housman is usually associated with
World War I and Shropshire, but he also wrote a moving poem about Londoners, in
which he said:
“The
mortal sickness of a mind
Too
unhappy to be kind.Undone with misery, all they can
Is to hate their fellow man;
And till they drop they needs must still
Look at you and wish you ill.” [1]
Anyone who has
studied the faces on city streets has seen what Housman did—busy, tense people
who ignore others or are rude to them. New Yorkers and other large-city
dwellers, particularly, are inclined to treat others with brusqueness or actual
unkindness, probably because they are dealing with stressful city life
themselves. (However, in disasters or even minor difficulties, they can be
surprisingly helpful. It seems to be everyday life that makes them miserable.)
Small towns and
rural areas are not free from the phenomenon, either. When I shop in the local
supermarket, I see shoppers who look tense and tired. They may treat clerks or
other shoppers with discourtesy. It is rare to see someone who looks relaxed
and happy.
The main insight
I gained years ago in group therapy is that we have common troubles. We are not
really alone when we feel lonely or mistreated; others are facing similar
worries. Sometimes, as in group therapy, sharing our feelings with others can
help greatly. Even if we keep our anxieties to ourselves, though, remembering
our commonality is useful. Being understanding can also come easier with age.
When we have passed through various sorrows ourselves, we can recognize the
signs in others. Of course, the problems of aging can also make us more
inclined to self-pity.
My friend Ruth (who
has plenty of her own problems) uses the signature line, “Be kind. Everyone you
meet is struggling with something.” What a simple, powerful idea! The barista
who overfills the coffee cup may have a husband in Afghanistan; the jerk who
cuts you off in traffic may have just lost his job; the woman who is dressed rather
bizarrely may have just been released from a hospital. Knowing the whole story
may explain much. For instance, just the other day, the RV near us in an
otherwise silent campground had a noisy generator running for hours. We were
on the verge of complaining when we learned that the owner must use an
electronic medical device at night requiring a fully charged battery. What a
narrow escape we had from being cruel!
